And a little sorry– to myself, God and a long list of others. For being endlessly irresponsible, for not taking care of myself, for letting my ego guide me along the way, aimlessly and unconsciously, even recklessly at times. Maybe it’s not so bad, many of you know I’m wired to be dramatic, apathetic and self-deprecating. Just like everyone else, I have my good days and bad and assume everybody feels this way from time to time. That feeling of, “I’m never going to be good enough to achieve my goals.” Or in my case, it's that layered with this idea that my dream is so far beyond me and there is so much work to do, that I end up doing nothing at all. Only then to get upset while watching the days pass by seemingly too fast, like sand through my fingertips. Part of what makes it hard to start working on those things is that I don’t often give myself the time to meditate on those very important questions… What are my goals? What is my Vision and how do I see it?
I forget that I’m not alone. In fact, I wonder if the majority of society feels this way or if I’m just truly discontent with being average. Beating myself up, getting anxious and depressed, letting my ego take over because of a lack of self-discipline. The ego is dangerous in this way because our ego is not our true self. Our ego is how we are portrayed externally, through matter and earth. We become disconnected from our spirit to then be judged by the world. Then comes the danger of caring too deeply about what other people think about us, compliments and insults both. We build this idea in our heads of who we are based on others’ observations of us, forgetting that our True Selves are not how pretty we are or the clothes that we wear, but rather our souls and spirits deep in our hearts. It's so easy to get caught up in the former because the latter requires thorough digging into our own heart while working to set aside the ego and not listen to other people’s opinions. Ironically, it all starts and ends in our own minds yet we give up the power to other people and/or our vices. It’s a shame, but normal. Is life really suffering? Are we really born into sin? Either way, do you wish to be normal and give up on changing your reality or listen to someone else telling you how to cope? You only get one at-bat in this life, think about it.
The ego also feeds you narcissism; the ego feeds you nihilism–especially due to perceptions of the real world with or without any divine involvement at all. In my experience, I tend to do better when I put my faith into something, starting with what’s inside me. I’m not saying you have to be religious or know God or even be spiritual to cope with the insufferable-ness of life, but for me personally I always want to try to transcend science and materialism via my own conscious and cognitive experiences and thought processes. Consider “Nous” from the Greeks and see if, on your own, you can stretch it beyond what either science or religion tries to force down our throats as truth and maybe you’ll find something or someone that you didn’t know you were looking for in the first place. Still, first you have to let go of the idea that what makes up life and this reality is all concrete. Contemplate essence, substance and seek out hidden and ancient wisdoms. Without some degree of divinity, piety or reverence, it becomes pretty easy to listen to that voice in your head saying, “This is all too much. Smoke, drink, be merry (be distracted). None of this matters in the end so why do anything at all? Be as comfortable as possible every day via instant gratification and constant toiling and twiddling your thumbs and maybe one day you won’t suffer anymore. Maybe one day someone will come along and lay in your lap all the things you’ve ever wanted without having to do any of the work yourself, let alone the personal work to learn and grow as a person.” The ego feeds you flesh and desire because it feels good in the moment. Moment to moment that becomes your life and then you have days where you wake up and say, “Why is nothing changing? Why am I not the man I could be? If I were to maximize my potential, what would that look like?” These questions can be overwhelming but highly prominent, at least for myself, while in my twenties. I don’t see a lot of people maximizing their potential, but I do see a lot of average, unhappy people, often seeing myself in them. Their problems are similar to mine, yet our binds can be different.
For the last ten-ish years, I had convinced myself that smoking and drinking was both fun and a solution to daily woes or exhaustion. “I worked hard today, I deserve to treat myself.” But how much of a treat is it if it’s killing you slowly. Massive bong rips with tobacco added. One beer or six or eight on any given day, just whatever I was feeling (or more like how much feeling I was trying to ignore). It was always so easy to convince myself that nothing matters, that there is no meaning to life– I actually believed it for so long starting as a teenager that it inadvertently became a foundational principle in my now adult life which has breezed by way faster than I’d like to admit. Whether you’re having fun or not, time flies by all the same, regardless.
As I’ve done more soul searching over time, I feel more connected to something beyond Nature now. We coexist with matter and the elements cyclically through the eons. Studying and understanding Aeons. Despite what’s truthfully real or not, or what is true or not, I do believe in esoteric validity and have for several years now, every day leaning into it more and more even if just subconsciously or even if just a tiny bit at a time. In my past I was in love with sadness, wearing a cold, wet blanket as my garment for all to see. As an artist, I thought it worked for my aesthetic as it was how I was naturally and became comfortable in dark places. I made many good creations and found a home in writing about my life, but I was never getting better.
This is just another one of my many reminders to return back to the Light. For me, it’s the spirit inside of me, which was lit in me long ago by the Savior. It’s like a burning fire that refuses to go out regardless of my countless attempts to snuff it. This is another reminder to take off the wet blanket of comfort and put on the Armour of God and take my sword to the grindstone to sharpen it for another round of slaying dragons and demons. As always, Love and Light tend to prevail in my life, though I do get rather attracted (distracted) to the dark caves of my mind and the shadowy corners of the world. One could argue that you don’t become whole without Dark Nights of the Soul. Sometimes you have to go to those places to find more about your True Self and what enemies you’re up against. His light will guide you and his grace protects you.
That’s all I have for now. As always, thanks for existing.
You’re human. You’re here.