The new year has happened and so have I. I'm only a little sure of where I've been the last few weeks– in and out of court and the same of psychosis as well. Coping is easy, coping is not good. Disassociating is an easy coping mechanism but it's definitely not good. The lawyer was talking to me yesterday and I did my best to listen carefully but had to continue to reactivate my ability to hear and was soon grasping for answers through a fog in tense air. His voice was muffled and distant. It was after that conversation that I realized how truly stuck inside myself I am. By that I mean isolated in my own world where I don't feel like I am sharing the same space with other people anymore. Everything is dissolving into nothingness before my eyes and I slide back and forth on the spectrum between nothingness and actual reality as well. Right now I am in the middle. Lately I've felt more connected to the things that the eyes cannot see. Some feeling between life and death. Something or some things you can't see literally but you will know it when you have the right eyes open. We are all connected to those things or That Thing. My persona keeps shifting and I keep chasing after it– like, "Oh my god, who are we now?" and then I have to spend the time and energy figuring it out. Who I am. Ever. I hardly know.
Nothing’s been the same since the accident. I don't even think I think the same anymore. I think that was the point though. To change at some point, finally. To stop the cycle. It's a never ending cycle and we have to stop it every day. You don't make that decision to be the better version of yourself one time and then stay that way. You have to make that decision every day. Life is a battle but it doesn't have to be that way.
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[the next day…]
Interesting thought, how our persona constantly adapts to the world around us and to the people around us. I wonder how much our True Self stays the same or do our components stay the same but evolve into greater versions of themselves over time. The reactions of other people to our actions are what shape our ego and persona. That and what we choose to believe. What we believe has something to do with our behavior; our choices, etc. I realized lately that I go back and forth between believing in myself and having no fucking clue who to trust, especially not myself. This is not good.
I plead guilty in a court of law today for the first time. I won’t say what for– wouldn't want to ruin the mystery. Not as if anyone is reading this anyways. I stood before another human we call a Judge and I called her Your Honor. It’s just a title, I remind myself. She earned it, sure. I wish I could reconnect to normal reality in those circumstances but I totally separate myself from it. I liked my public defenders a lot, the judge and prosecutor seemed like nice people too. It sucks being on the side of the criminal. These people must have more control over their unconscious contents or mine are too powerful and I have no control. I tell myself, this isn’t real, this is all just a show. I’m still sort of able to recognize that as my truth in terms of perception in the moment without undermining the importance of such systems within civilization. I’ve been put through systemic ringers a few times now, it’s not worth putting up a fight. What I did was wrong, freedom has consequences if you don’t use it right. In a lot of cases, whatever disciplinary action I undertook probably did make me a better person after all. Still, whatever it is inside of us that gives us the power to see and follow Right Action, we still have to find it within ourselves every day. I don’t know if life is a battle or not but it is fucking weird at the least. It just seems to be better when I try to live by a better me. Sorry for always making this about me.