Stream of consciousness // 10.19.2023

2:07 p.m.

-

What business do I actually have here sitting at my computer at home at 2 pm on a Wednesday afternoon. Apparently no one's business but my own and what business is that, I'm not really sure. I've spent my life trying to figure it out and have obtained these feelings of feeling simultaneously feeling like I've gotten nowhere yet my next thought somehow is that if I died right now then I'd be happy, I'd be fulfilled; only to question that then in the thought following. So what business is this? The business of cognition, perhaps. It's been extremely difficult to contemplate the meaning of life with all this noise in my head. Thankfully, the noise reminds me that the more I try to understand life, the less along I'll actually become. Leading only to more frustration due to a lack of ability to comprehend but I'm always biting off more than I can chew. So I should learn to bite the tongue in my brain, always jibber-jabbering back and forth. I swear my left and right hemispheres are playing tennis with a grenade but the pin’s not been pulled, it's just more so there to taunt me. And who even are the players if not the left brain and the right brain? The answer to that is certainly my imaginary friends who reside inside my mind. Oh, I know who they are! It's the Shadow & the Holy Spirit. But no, it's not metaphorical tennis that they're playing between both sides of my brain and it's certainly far from just a simple game of catch. Lately they have both been inflated allowing them to do something more along the lines of sumo wrestling. I'd like to get them back down to the point of a gentle embrace. Right on the line where both brains meet. But balance and harmony couldn't exist without destruction and stress because what would beauty be without something to compare it too. Not that we should compare anything at all, after all, comparison is the thief of joy.

Lately the thought of thought itself has been the best blessing life could offer yet the cause of all my suffering; that's how it's always been though, hasn't it. Life is confusing and I'm dealing with it the best I can. Sometimes I'm right on target and some days I miss the mark by a mile. 

So what business do I have sitting here in my room on a Wednesday afternoon. The only business I've ever known, minding my own. 

 

-j.

Back to blog

Leave a comment