Stream of Consciousness // 12.22.2023

I find myself content in most moments of most days. I hope that's not just my ego feeding me bullshit to make me feel better, but I would say that it feels true for the most part. It's interesting. All of this. Life, humanity, existence-- I guess I'm probably writing with my right brain right now because I'm not sure how to further explain myself in that regard. Are you, dear reader, making an attempt to grasp what it is that I'm saying or will you spite the seemingly unsubstantiated content I've provided thus far and never visit this god-forsaken site ever again? That would be fine, to be honest, I'd be curious to know what led you here in the first place. Look at it this way, I never want it to seem like I only made this website to sell anyone anything. Indeed, that is part of it but the larger part of the vision is to get people thinking about their own life more.

I'm not here to convince you that anything I have to offer is of value but even nothing is something. This is still something that I made that didn't exist before and it surely doesn't exist anywhere else, to my knowledge. So by showing you how easy it is to create and by showing you how much I don't care about some long-term goal hopefully would inspire you to point the lens inward towards yourself and ask yourself this: when was the last time you sat down at your desk and put a pencil to a piece of paper or put a paint brush to a blank canvas? Maybe you build things. When was the last time you made something? We are all inventors of ideas both good and bad but to act on the good ones is a matter of importance, I might argue. I could write run-on sentences all day trying to prove to you that this is not all just some massive waste of time but I will admit that it might be. Although, I will tell you that this is something that I believe in whole-heartedly and everything that bleeds out of my subconscious is authentic and is brought forth as something I am giving to the world. Maybe not so much as a gift, but as a sacrificial offering unto the Void so that my soul may remain as free as it feels. I am a poet, so doing this is something of a responsibility. Your job is to interpret all this into something of meaning or decide for yourself if I’m just full of shit. Maybe you’ll find that you’re full of shit too. To that I say, In Sterquiliniis Invenitur. That being said, I know I can be crass on occasion and I'm certainly aware of my own ignorance, at least after doing something ignorant. Not that I ever do, aha.

I invite you to explore consciousness with me while the collective unconscious unfolds as it does. Are we not all part of something so much larger than ourselves? The size, the weight, the sheer being of all of what is on Earth being held up by humanity. It is amazing to see. Too often do I myself get wrapped up in the existential dread of trying to perceive an incomprehensible reality beyond what the eyes can see. Through mystical experiences I have seen little hints of what all else is out there; to live in this realm while knowing there are other realms existing simultaneously. Needless to say, I've always got a few thoughts brewing in the back of my mind trying to break through to the other side, while the thoughts preoccupying the forefront of my mind are helping me stay grounded in the third dimension.

Life is strange and mysterious and society is trying desperately to normalize it, keep it contained, keep it programmed. I wonder-- if our minds weren't being programmed by those in power, would most people lose their mind? We've been a people brought up to think and act a certain way to maintain civility and order. For example, schools are not, by design, there to raise generations of creatives and free-thinkers. I believe that schools exist as factories to raise generations of nice, rule-following, very programmable people that are supposed to be sent off to chase societal goals and work for other people. Granted, I went to public school and enjoyed myself. I have a day job as well, but I am fortunate enough to have quite a bit of authority, not to use over other people (I work mostly alone on shift and deal with members), but it prevents me from being taken advantage of. I am not afraid of losing my job because I think if you have one that you like then it's worth doing well in hopes to keep morale high, both yours and others. Also, I think I do a good job because as far as my ego and persona are concerned, those aren't even the real me. So if someone has a complaint, it's their ego vs. mine and I essentially listen to their complaint, hear it as some sort of projection from within, smile and nod and move on. We are providing a presentable version of our persons and then doing a little dance. When dealing with a job or other people in social settings, in general, I do believe it is important to shape up your persona into something likable and personable and somewhat of the “best” version you can create. When it comes to systemic functionality it might be best to leave all emotions aside that way jobs get done more efficiently, ideally. Emotions are for love and art and understanding but we shouldn’t let them rip onto other people unless they’re positive. No one wants to hear your shitty attitude, sorry. I'll gladly tell someone that I think they're wrong if I really do but not without doing a routine of metacognitive mental gymnastics first to see where everyone is coming from. I have reprogrammed myself within a job that I like to recognize the bullshit and what is worth getting worked up over. When someone is in a good mood, I'll typically receive that energy and reflect it. When someone comes at me in a bad mood, I try my best to passively ignore it and not reflect it back on them or internalize it and project it onto someone else. We're always vomiting our feelings and emotions onto each other, I see it all the time. Most people have no idea what they're doing though. Forgive them, Father. We're humans-- hopeful and passionate creatures, just not always the best at processing our emotions. I speak not from a place of projection but as someone who has had to do a lot of self-regulation work and now has the ability to think and perceive situations metacognitively. By that, I mean I have thoughts thinking about the thoughts that are thinking about the emotions, thoughts and feelings of any or all reactions and interactions throughout my day. I have several conversations going on in different parts of my brain now as I write this. It's a bit hard to explain and I'm not sure if everyone is like this naturally, but surely we should all practice our abilities to think both critically and strategically about our own self and actions. It's a double-edged skill set, both a blessing and a curse and falls perfectly in line with this paradoxical life we live, but I believe life is better outside of blissful ignorance though that could certainly be argued. It's not too hard to make a presumptuous breakdown or judgment call towards someone else's actions, words or behaviors but are you willing to do the same for yourself? 

 

- j. 

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